August 14, 2018
Connection and Attraction
I often have questions around connection and attraction.
Why is it that we surround ourselves with certain people in our lives? This is much different than family (who you may choose to surround yourself or not…but there is some degree of obligation) and more towards the idea of why certain people have STRONGER connections than others.
If I think objectively in terms of survival, it’s simple. We have evolved in life to move, search for food, eat food, and create models in our brain that essentially creates consciousness…while allowing us to use those models to understand and empathize with others; use your models to “put yourself in other peoples shoes”. This last part is important because it is the basis for our ability to create relationships, anticipate what other people need so we can put our own survival on hold to delay gratification in hopes we RECEIVE something in return that will prolong life….SUPER DEPRESSING I KNOW.
This survival process also extends to our organisms wanting to pass on our DNA (reproduction)…thus the ultimate need for connection from the opposite sex…but this is NOT the connection I want to explore.
Simple concept. Live longer. Reproduce. DNA lives longer. Cool.
Now this concept really takes away from the personal side of our CONNECTIONS we have built over the years because has every person we been in contact with been a means to an end? The short answer is YES, but I think there is something more that is worth exploring…the STRENGTH of a given relationship and what factor of MEANS that it is fulfilling in order to survive.
STRENGTH is an easy one to measure in my eyes. Is your relationship built on good drivers: Safety, connection, satisfaction? The more boxes you can check the stronger it is. There is a great book on this called Resilience.
You would cross reference this measure of STRENGTH with that of MEANS.
If you are using someone for the MEANS of money or power…probably not a STRONG connection. It is riddled with bad drivers and bad drivers are a stressor. You could argue that money is a MEANS to satisfaction…but that argument falls short if we look at our long list of RICH people who experience depression, mental illness, and unfulfilling lives.
I am an optimistic person. I believe that if we listen to the voice inside our head we can create relationships in which the MEANS to prolonged survival is based on safety, connection, and satisfaction. This is a “stone two birds at once” scenario where you can defeat stressors in your life by including someone in your circle that fulfills a need that makes you happy and fulfilled, inspires you to do more with your life, and exponentially makes you better…which in turn helps you live longer!
Things can get a little messy in each of our individual cases…connection to people sometimes is unhealthy, yet hard to break because of a dependence in certain times in your life. This is called being realistic…and SURVIVING despite being dealt a bad had. I have experienced and known individuals throughout my years that have endured an incredible amount of pain and trauma in order to keep going. Some continued this cycle because it WAS all they knew, some broke free and listened to that voice inside their head.
It is easy reflecting on this to say “pick people that fulfill your good drivers,” when I know full well that anyone at any given time can be stuck in a situation where they have NO OTHER CHOICE. I get this…but if you are reading this and you have the ABILITY and CAPACITY to choose your own path:
- Choose yourself first.
- Go through all your relationships and within 5 seconds you should be able to answer whether someone is healthy or a vampire (someone who sucks your energy).
- Figure out a plan to nature your good relations ships, GET RID OF THE VAMPIRES in a realistic manner that doesn’t threaten your survival, and SEEK out others that you know will uplift you (this is easier said than done…).
- LISTEN TO THAT VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD. It fucking knows and is running calculations all day long! IT KNOWS.
One last parting unsolicited advice from a 30 year old washed up meathead who thinks way to much about mindfulness and writes facebook posts to unload the millions of thoughts in his brain selfishly to see if he can find people who understand him:
If someone reaches out to you in any form or fashion and that voice in your head doesn’t SCREAM threat…there is a reason for it.
That person, much like yourself, is reaching out for SURVIVAL…they see your experience as something that can get them THROUGH SOMETHING. If you are Intune to this fact you hold an incredible power to CHANGE LIVES…you just have to figure out what it is that they seek and do your best to give it to them. They may not know…their life may be fucked up or on the wrong path and their brain put them in contact with you to help them survive.
We do not always understand what ATTRACTS us to people…just understand it is to live longer and if it is done in a mindful positive way you can build yourself a network of people that create connection, provide safety, and MASS PRODUCE satisfaction.
Good day if you made it. Share if you feel me.